Saturday, March 1, 2014

A Pit Bull, I am

I'd like to thank Dawn and the folks at Craven Desires for being my "muse" on this article and many of my previous... you guys do great work!  I certainly can't take all the credit.  Special thanks Snack, Meals, Dude and the rest.

Below is best read out loud...

A Pit Bull, I am

Some say my writing, too grotesque and gory,
So, stop reading if you don't want a pit bull story!
Don't be pissed, you are not disrespected,
The rest of this is from a Pit Bull's perspective!

My life has purpose, there is no disorder,
Can I get toy poodle as a take out order?
Some people say my type are nasty creatures,
Look, my behaviors are not bugs but features!

I'm a Nanny Dog, many of them say,
Very true, until I have a bad day!
Bit no one so far today, so don't be a hater,
I have yet to eat the kids: I'm saving them for later!

I bark, bark, bark and bark some more,
The neighbors, I let them sleep nevermore!
I'm a hundred twenty pounds of pure-bred attitude,
I let YOU live, so show some gratitude!

Stuck indoors, such endless tedium
Only a screen door between me and freedom!
Out on the street, time to get rowdy,
I'll start by eating the bumper off that Audi!

When I get caught, I always get to slide,
For I have AC and the government on MY side!
See, I have no fear of Law Enforcement,
The US President gave me a personal endorsement!

Sorry, you all seem so disappointed,
That a hack for the Pit Bull lobby was anointed!
So, expect no action from the AC director,
When I turn you into another bloody spectre!

I look down the block, a window open a crack,
Sounds like time to plan a home invasion attack!
I'm nothing but muscle, a lot of brawn,
I'll eat your kitty cat and shit on your lawn!

Jaw like a bulldozer, head like a block,
Skull so thick it can stop a .45 from a Glock!
Put down your pistol, no bullets expended,
Around me, your defense rights suspended!

I have a chest like a barrel, big as a beer keg,
So, pardon me while I chew off that leg!
Quit being so angry, so very bitter,
Hose off the sidewalk and pump out another litter!

My last mauling victim, what a mess,
I have a mouth like a hydraulic press!
I stop chasing cars for a minute, look about,
I think I'll have that dachshund with sauerkraut!

Pit bull haters, getting all angry and feeling blue,
Hey, I'm just doing what I was bred to do!
BSL folks, as usual a total bore,
I'll attack them coming out of the grocery store!

Neighborhood pets, a very tasty buffet,
Can I get fries with that Shar-Pei?
I'm a gourmet, won't eat dogfood from a can,
Why bother, when I can lunch on Mail Man!

The kid next door, a yummy feast,
Don't look at me, no one died, at least!
The parents so angry they could spit,
Hey, he must have done something to deserve it!

I run up and down the block with glee,
Knowing that everything belongs to me!
My last biting victim, what a moaner,
Look pal, its not the dog, its the owner!

Yo! No more sitting outside to drink a beer,
I have the entire neighborhood living in fear!
Look, I'm not responsible, I'm no felon,
I'm just looking to crush your head like a melon!

I love to chase and bite sheep at the farm,
By the way, good luck re-attaching that arm!
I'm just a poor product of puppy mill greed,
As always, blame the deed and not the breed!

Ban me? That will be the day,
No one can ID me, anyway!
Spare me the nasty words on your blog,
Remember, I'm just like any other dog!

Look, I am tired of the badmouthing and the rest,
I'll be at the mall in my new service dog vest!
All those mean words from you, so very feeble,
I'm protected because DOGS IS PEOPLE!


  1. Envious of all of this talent! It seems all of the bloggers have taken to poetry. I think between us, we have created the largest, most comprehensive and truthful collection of pit bull poetry to be found. I hope it's ok to at least link it from the poetry blog? Is that ok?

    Love it!

  2. Hmmm... This seems a little TOO accurate. Did the pet psychic channel a pibble?