Barking Dog BINGO!

Dealing with the owner of the robo-yapper next door can truly be an agonizing experience.  The authorities fully support their POWER to raise the noise level in your home without your permission.  You now have to beg to have quiet in your home.

As I have noted in my “countering pro-barking propaganda” essays, owners of robo-barkers, apologistas, and do-nothing authorities have a general set of excuses (NOT reasons) for not doing their jobs and/or fulfilling their obligations.  We hear the same mindless drivel spewed over and over… it would insult the intelligence of a bacterium.

To lighten the mood, I submit the following “Barking Dog Bingo!” game that you, your friends, and family can enjoy while your life is being gradually turned into ground up shit by the malicious, overly entitled dog owner next door.

Consider the following “Bingo” card geared toward dealing with those malicious owners, apologistas and useless authorities. 

Game rules:

-          Give the yapper owner, local SPCA, AC or police a call.  Visiting in person is acceptable.

-          Print off a copy of your “Barking Dog Bingo!” card!

-          For each worthless, selfish, and impossibly stupid excuse spewed by the miscreant, cross off the excuse on the card.  You may use a marker, or cover the excuse with a coin or some other object.

-          When you have crossed off or covered either an entire row or column, yell “BINGO!” You win!

-          Your prize?  You get to PROVE how STUPID and ANTI-SOCIAL the pro-barker really is!

-          Game time: 5-7 minutes.

Alternate game:  Barking dog drinking game!

Game rules.

-          Buy a case of bourbon, rum or your choice of hard liquor.

-          Grab a bunch of shot glasses.

-          Print off a copy of your “Barking Dog Bingo!” card!

-          Invite your friends and family.

-          Get out your speaker phone.

-          Give the miscreant a call.   Alternately, call SPCA, AC or police.

-          Complain about the barking dog(s).

-          For every mindless, selfish, entitled, and insipid excuse indicated on your “Barking Dog Bingo!” card, everyone take a shot!

-          If the miscreant hangs up, again try calling SPCA, AC or police.

-          Last one left standing, WINS!

-          Game time:  10-15 minutes.

Enjoy!

Throw 'em under the bus!

Take note:  The inept, corrupt and malicious among you are a huge liability.  Who am I am talking about?  That could be ANYBODY:  Political parties, special interest groups, professional organizations, even families.

I am a 2^nd amendment supporter, firearm enthusiast, and self-defense activist.  I support “stand your ground” and “Castle Doctrine”.  Without that, we are legally obligated to surrender to violent criminals.  Who does that benefit?

That said, I have deep contempt for anyone who abuses those protections.  On this blog, I wrote about Paul Miller of Flagler Beach, FL who shot a neighbor who complained about his barking dogs.  Miller deserves to fry BIG TIME and not just for murdering his neighbor.  He deserves to fry for the additional reason that he has contributed to a statistic that anti-self defense whackos will try to use to take our guns away.

Most of my colleagues in the pro-gun and pro-self defense movement feel the same way.  Anyone who abuses their 2^nd amendment and/or self-defense protections is a HUGE liability to our interests.  We would NEVER say that Miller “is a gun owner and that is what they do”.  We are smart enough to realize that would be nothing but a talking point for the OTHER side!   We realize that ALL inept and malicious gun owners must be sacrificed IMMEDIATELY for the sake of public safety AND the maintenance of our interests.

We accept that, indeed, everyone is NOT fit to own a gun.  Gun owners should have some restrictions placed upon them.   Some weapons should not be available to the general public without special licensing.  Training classes are a good thing.  If those protections are abused, they should be removed.

Unfortunately, dog owners have not reached that intelligence level, yet.  Every bite and barking statistic and incident adds to public outrage and contempt towards your “interests”.  OK, maybe your dog is not a problem but if ANY of the pro-bark or pro-bite “talking points” indicated on this blog have EVER passed your lips then DAMN YOU, you deserve everything that is going to happen to you and your dog!  If you do not self regulate and do so in a hurry, your privileges are going to be GONE. 

Lousy dog owners?  Throw ‘em under the bus!

Rights, Privileges and Powers. Oh, My!

Do animals have rights?  More specifically, are the rights of animals protected under the United States Constitution?

Wyatt Cenac of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart weighs in on that in this video:  http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-february-15-2012/seaworld-of-pain

I’ve watched that video about 10 times and I still LOL every time!

Hey PETA:  Animals do NOT have rights.  To hold a right, one must:

1)      Understand what that right is.  I.E. right to express yourself, vote, etc…

2)      Understand what RESPONSIBILITIES and OBLIGATIONS that right will bear.

3)      Be able to lay claim to that right.

4)      Exercise that right with care and concern for others.

Animals are able to do none of those things that I am aware of.  PETA is suing various organizations on “behalf” of various animals.   Has ANY non-human EVER filed a law suit entirely on their own?  No, they have not therefore they do NOT have a right to sue!   I believe that the PETA people have no clue what a “right” is.

Now, you may be able to argue against the treatment of various animals from an animal WELFARE standpoint.  Rights and Welfare are not the same thing. 

On the other end of the “spectrum” from PETA are the Owners “rights” people.   You can get a good idea of their “position” at this website:  http://www.pet-law.com/foreword

The owner’s “rights” people are likewise foolish.  I submit that the owners “rights” movement is the root cause behind the barking and biting epidemic.  They see even the most marginal restriction of their behavior as a violation of their “Rights”.  Pursuant to my Overton, Hoist, and a few other essays, I submit that the owners “rights” movement is really an owners POWER movement… they use their animals to assert POWER and control over others.   They assert that, not only can they own that dog, they can do anything with it or to it and there is nothing anyone can do about that.

Let us say for the sake of argument that keeping a dog in a human city IS a protected civil right (and I am not ceding that it is).  Consider that rights have limits.  You do not have a right to strip the rights of others.   My right to swing my fist ends BEFORE your nose begins.  The right TO a thing means there is a right FROM that thing.  If you like to listen to Rush Limbaugh on the radio, you have a right to do that BUT you do NOT have a right to project that noise into the homes of others.  If you abuse a right, you very well may LOSE it.

The owners “rightists” imply that they do not merely have a right, they have a POWER.   They do not take responsibility and often pursue their “interest” with a complete disregard for others, and sometimes harbor intent to bring harm.  If the owners “rights” people genuinely believed they held a right, they WOULD agree to a few limits on their behavior.  However, a right is not what they are asserting so they continue to use their pets to manufacture problems.

Down with them ALL.

What is truly needed is an organization that advocates for the human victims of these animal related disasters, and places public health and safety above the narrowly focused special interests of self-important fools and extremist political nutjobs.

Unequal protection, part deux

Continued from the last Equal Protection.  Note the following is strictly a work of fantasy and any resemblance to characters living or dead is strictly coincidental!

If you need legal advice, contact an attorney!

You kick open the door, and there is the COMMIE pointing a 1911 .45 at you.  You scream “Die you DAWG killin’ commie!”  Your finger was a little itchy and the .22 discharges into the wall above the neighbor’s head.  The 1911 discharges with a thunderous, bass BOOM and a sledge hammer hits you in the upper chest. Your arms and legs go numb as you are thrown back through the open doorway.    You can’t feel anything but you can still see and hear. 

About 20 seconds later, the neighbor kneels down by you and presses a towel over your wound.  He says, “just stay cool and quiet pal help is on the way.  I’ve already called the cops and the paramedics”.  You are choking on your blood and still can’t feel your arms or legs.   You hear a siren in the background as your vision starts to fade.  You are drifting down…. Down…. Then nothing.

(Scene change.  2 off duty plainclothes cops in a diner.  One is in his mid 40’s the other late 20’s.)

20ish Cop:  So, what was the deal with that shooting on Lakeshore last week?  I was out that week… inlaws.

40ish Cop:  Let the guy go.  He said the magic words “Castle Doctrine” and it was hands off.  The grand jury will no-bill the guy, guarantee it.  He did everything right, called the paramedics, gave aid.  The dead guy has a rap sheet, forced his way in and shot at the resident.  It’s a no brainer. 

20ish cop:  Yeah, but what about all the dogs he shot?  He shot 6 dogs in their own yard, for chrissakes!

40ish cop:  Zilch on that one, too, my friend.  Word came down from the DA a while back:  Take NO action against anyone who uses force against a dog.  Technically, the shooter has to prove that the dog was behaving offensively in some way at some point, but you produce a 2 minute video of the dog barking and it’s a pass.

20ish cop:  (surprised) You kidding?  What about animal cruelty laws?  I thought you couldn’t shoot a dog unless its in the act of attacking you or somebody else.

40ish cop:  Sorry to pick nits, but we can shoot anything we want… the question is, will we get away with that?  In his case, yes. 

20ish cop:  OK, I’ll play… how come I get to shoot a dog for barking or pooping on my lawn?

40ish cop:  You familiar with Hilsberg v. Shaw?

20ish cop:  Whats that, a boxing match?

40ish cop:  (eyes rolling) No, dummy.  That was a supreme court decision a few years ago.  Substance of the decision was, if you are denied due process in an animal related offense, you are empowered to take matters into your own hands.  As long as you do not bring bodily harm to another human being, you cannot be charged.   If we had charged the shooter the other day, not only would we have had to let him go, we would have been nailed with a particularly nasty lawsuit.  So, we have a choice… let the guy go OR let the guy go with a big settlement in his pocket.   The first option is preferable.

20ish cop:  Damn, that’s really something.  So, if a dog bites me and the owner doesn’t put it down and AC doesn’t pick it up, I can just shoot it on the owners property?

40ish cop:  Yup, that’s exactly what it means.  It doesn’t even need to bite you.  Dog at large, barking, pooping, you name it.  Its open season.  In any case, our shooter gets a double pass:  He's protected on shooting the dogs by Hilsberg and on shooting the owner on the Castle Doctrine.  Shooting someone's pet is not considered "provocation".

20ish cop:  Why didn’t I hear about this?

40ish cop:  Got no media coverage.  Even the animal rights whackos won’t say a peep about it because they know its going to result in more people taking, ah, “advantage”.  Blowback.

See, its all about equal protection.  The State did nothing to curb dog-related offenses.  You had no protection at all, and people finally just had enough. 

20ish cop:  Why didn’t they just make the rules tougher on the pet owners?

40ish cop:  Enforcing rules against animals and their owners is fundamentally very difficult, maybe impossible.  Look, when a dog bites somebody who is to blame?  Dogs act with volition.  You go after the dog, people say “but it’s the owners fault”, you go after the owner and people say “but you can’t punish the owner for something the dog did”.  It’s a circular argument that goes nowhere. 

Same thing with barking:   I had a neighbor with a barking dog a few years ago and my life became HELL.  My wife lost her job due to sleep deprivation.  My kids were sick all the time and flunking out of school.  *I* almost lost MY job!  I tell you, its easier to bust a guy on murder one than to get a conviction for nuisance barking.

20ish cop:  Jeez!

40ish cop:  Even Jesus couldn’t shut that dog up.  You think I’d have some pull ‘cause I’m a cop?  Forget it.  People could do whatever they wanted to you with their dogs and there wasn’t much you could do about it.

20ish cop:  Come to think about it, you are right.  It WAS bad!  My cousin is missing 2 fingers from a pit bull attack from when we were kids.  I remember the dog just got returned to its owner.  I guess we got so used to dog owners and dogs getting a pass it seemed normal after a while. 

40ish cop:  I am not surprised.  Hey, you want the details behind the court decision?  I actually spoke to one of the cops that worked the original scene.

20ish cop:  Yeah, do tell!

40ish cop:  I’ll keep the long story short.  About 5 years ago, there’s this single mom with a 7 year old girl.  Dad has split the scene.  They live in this semi-crappy neighborhood.  Lots of loose dogs, backyard breeders, just a lovely situation.  It was all they could afford, apparently.

20ish cop:  Gotcha.

40ish cop:  Anyway, they’d been having a lot of problems with a backyard breeder breeding pit bulls.  Barking, dog at large, dogs behaving dangerously towards people.   The dog had chased the little girl a couple of times.  Other pets were killed.   A little boy farther down the block got bit by one of the pits, needed something like 50 stitches.

So, the lady and a few other neighbors had called cops and AC a bunch of times, gotten the run around.  Contacting the breeder likewise produced no results

20ish cop:  And nothing was done?  Why?  … wait, I KNOW why!  We ALL had to love Fido no matter what, right?

40ish cop:  Right.  Dog owners were likewise above reproach.  So, the little girl and her mom are walking back from the school bus stop and 4 pit bulls that “somehow” escaped the breeding pen jump her.   Mom is attacked too, and tried to save the girl but all she got for her troubles were some near life-threatening injuries.  A bunch of neighbors came out and beat the dogs with bats, shovels, rakes, you name it.  It was this massive human vs. canine street brawl.  Anyway,  I’m not going to go into gory details… and they are plenty gory… but the kid was DOA at the hospital. Closed casket funeral.

20ish cop:  Jeez, that is just plain nasty.  Being torn up by a dog has to be the WORST way to die!

40ish cop:  Agreed, I’d prefer being shot in the head any day.    The mom gets no relief… they could never prove which dogs did what.   Its suspected that the owner hosed the blood off the dogs after he rounded them up, but again no concrete proof.  The pit bull whackos came out of the woodwork threatening to sue the city if any dogs were put down.  The pit nuts held candlelight vigils, staged a massive protest, compared the mom, AC, cops, etc… to Hitler.  You know, the usual treatment.  

20ish cop:  So what was the outcome?

40ish cop:  The breeder got a $200 ticket for dog off leash.  The judge threw it out.

20ish cop:  (slaps the table)  DAMN!

40ish cop:  Indeed.  Well, that’s not the end of it.  Turns out the mom goes a little bonkers.  The dog owner and the pit bull whackos had been harassing her when she threatened to sue… slashed the tires on her car, calling her in the middle of the night, spray painting “breedist” on the front of her house, stuff like that.  They went to the media and publicly blamed the incident on her, said she and the kid deserved what happened, etc…

So, anyway, she loses a few of her marbles.  Pawns her engagement and wedding ring and buys herself an AR15 and about 1000 rounds.

20ish cop:  Whoa!

40ish cop:  Indeed.  So, she practices with the gun for a couple days.  Gets up one morning, loads about 10 mags, she even got a tactical vest to complete the outfit.  She locks and loads and marches down to the breeder, and…

20ish cop:  Man, she wastes the owner!  Holy crap!

40ish cop:  Nope.  The local cops found the owner hiding in a closet after the incident with a load in his pants, but unharmed.  Nope, she shoots every dog on that property.  Blows them ALL away.   There were a couple witnesses that said that she had this flat expression on her face.  She was cool as a cucumber the whole time.  She did it calmly and methodically.  SWAT got called and she was standing out front with the gun at her feet when they show up.

So, they bring the mom in.  Book her on around 20 counts of animal cruelty, trespass, brandishing a weapon, and a few other charges.  Now, this is where it gets interesting.  Not only was the act pre-meditated, it looked like even the legal arguments were pre-meditated!  Her lawyers said she had a right to take the law into her own hands since she was denied her constitutional right to equal protection of laws.  They laid enough briefs and other paperwork on the DA to make his head spin.  The substance of the legal argument was, if there was no protection FROM the dogs there should be no protection FOR the dogs.  The dogs were clearly a systemic and demonstratable threat to public safety and absolutely nothing was done about it by authorities. They had a stack of complaints against the breeder about two feet high.   The civil rights of not only the mom and her kid but indeed the entire community had been completely denied.  Furthermore, the argument went, we destroy nuisance and dangerous animals all the time and the threshold for killing a dangerous or disruptive dog should be the same as a rat, mouse or cockroach… in other words, not very high.  This was not a “Death Wish” type scenario where the object of vengeance is other human beings.

20ish cop:  Hell, yeah.  You got a bunch of dogs, known to be dangerous, kill her kid and the guy gets a TICKET?  Plus the dogs were still terrorizing the neighborhood, right?  The dogs should have been put down and the owner jailed WAY before that kid got killed.  The whole situation was totally avoidable.

40ish cop:  Right.  In any case, the litigation went all the way to the Supreme Court which voted in her favor, setting a BIG legal precedent.  The scope of the decision was very narrow… relates to animals only.   

20ish cop:  Seems like we went from Unequal protection to equal UNprotection.

40ish cop:  Exactly.  Nature abhors gross inequalities and it was inevitable that that some sort of equilibrium would eventually be reached.  This just happened to be the way it played out.

20ish cop:  So, what happened to the mom?  You’d think the whackos would try to take her out.

40ish cop:  She had her rights fully restored.  She’s now a NRA pistol match champion.   I think that what she did was so massively intimidating that even the pit bull whackos are scared to death of her, now.

20ish cop:  Hey, look, I have to split.  This has been fascinating.  Catch you at the office tomorrow.

40ish cop:  Yeah, I gotta get home to the wife and kids, too.

20ish cop:  You said your wife lost her job a while back, what is she doing these days?

40ish cop:  She’s a 911 operator.

THE END.

Discrimination

I figure it was only a matter of time before I was accused of being discriminatory (or worse).  Unfortunately, the political discourse in this country has degenerated to the point where everyone stands around, pointing fingers, accusing everyone else of being racist.  What, you don’t like assassination via predator drone?  You are a racist!  In most cases, it is simply a cheap rhetorical trick used to evade the substance of the matter.  I am not fooled or impressed.

The fact is, we are ALL discriminatory, and in most cases that is perfectly acceptable.  Buy a Honda instead of a Hyundai?  Discriminatory.  Vegetarian?  Discriminatory.  Dog instead of cat?  Discriminatory.  Heterosexual?  Discriminatory.  Democrat?  Discriminatory.  Converse in English?  Discriminatory.  Baseball fan?  Discriminatory.  Paint your house yellow?  Discriminatory. Go to law school?  Discriminatory.  Read my blog post instead of something else?  Discriminatory.  

We do take affirmative action against certain kinds of discrimination, where those choices are clearly harmful to others.  For example, racial and ethnic discrimination is frowned upon and restricted, as it should be:  We are contemplating fellow human beings who made no choice about their ethnic background or actions of their ancestors.  In fact, that itself is a form of discrimination as we discriminate against those who discriminate against other human beings in an unfair and harmful manner.

Discrimination against other human beings based on their actions or life choices is perfectly acceptable.  Would you want a 3 time convicted child molester baby sitting your kids? 

Therefore, we can say there are acceptable and unacceptable categories of discrimination.  An unacceptable form of discrimination is that against fellow humans where the object of that discrimination is something they have no control over.  I.E. Race or gender.   While obvious, I should add that choosing (discriminating) to commit a crime or bring harm against another is likewise unacceptable.

Some people believe that discrimination against dogs, or certain dog breeds, is on the same level as racial discrimination. If you don’t, in fact,  favor those animals you are defective somehow.  This philosophy is the very basis of the dog/pet worshipping culture.   This is fundamentally stupid as DOGS ARE NOT PEOPLE.  I don’t need to like dogs any more than I need to like snakes or spiders.  Indeed, the fact that THEY favor dogs over human beings and other animals makes THEM discriminatory!  I submit that THEY are discriminating in a toxic and harmful manner.

Moreover, the “breedism” argument is a cheap rhetorical tactic deployed by pit bull aficionados in an attempt to counter the rising tide of intolerance and disgust the general population has against their discriminatory choice of pet.  We are free to discriminate against fellow humans based on their choice of pet.  This appears to be perfectly legal, as ALL animals are not legal as pets, and landlords discriminate against dog/pet owners all the time.   Consider this:  Why are we allowed to keep dogs as pets and not lions or tigers?   Because the government says so, that’s why.

It’s worth considering that declaring ANY animal a “varmint” is only a stroke of a pen away.  For example, it is now “open season” on wild hogs, as there are over 6 million of them in the United States and they have become destructive pests.  You do NOT need a hunting license to shoot them in most places.   Why can I shoot all the hogs I want and not dogs?  Because the government says so (for now), that’s why.

At some level, everyone accepts the fact that there is a hierarchy to living things.  Even if you are a “vegan” you are still killing and consuming living things to survive.  A vegan accepts the fact that a plant is lower on the hierarchy than they are, and that pulling a carrot out of the ground and eating it is NOT murder.  Moreover, many animals died to put that carrot or slice of bread on your plate:  Insects, rats, mice, etc… are destroyed in agricultural operations all the time.  Agreed, more killing was involved to put that steak on MY plate, but that is simply a matter of degree.  

I make no secret of the fact that I put HUMAN BEINGS at the top of the hierarchy.  If you think that dogs have the same, or superior, rights to humans you are a fool and flat out wrong.   I am not even going to debate it:  I am right and YOU are wrong.   Now, under the current arrangement we DO put the interests of individual dogs ahead of human rights, health and safety… They essentially "own" everyone and everything around them.   That might be “legal” for now, but consider that everything HITLER did was “legal” until he got is ASS handed to him in WWII.  Hitler was also a dog lover.   Slavery was legal in the Confederate States of America until THEY got their ASSES handed to them in the American civil war:  End result of THAT conflict was we are no longer allowed to “own” fellow human beings.   Pursuant to my “Overton” post, status quo’s change ALL the time.  Special protections come and go like the wind.

 Again, anyone taking unfair advantage might be wise to curb their bad behavior and that of their colleagues before it is THEIR neck in the proverbial noose.

Unequal protection, part I

Equal protection of laws is a very basic civil right held by anyone and everyone in a society.  A right is something you always have, and it can only be taken away.  No one has a right to take your rights.  When they DO take your rights, that is a POWER, not a right. 

Equal protection of laws means that all laws should be reasonable and fair, and should apply to everyone equally.  For example, if we were to exempt Ford drivers from DUI restrictions that would clearly be an equal protection violation as victims of intoxicated Ford owners would have no recourse AND it would be unfair to drivers of other makes as they are subject to a different set of rules.  There should be no special loopholes or exemptions.  No one should be granted any special powers.

Governments and individuals take the rights of others all the time.  They have no right to do so, just the temporary power.  Fortunately, this often results in the perpetrators not only losing their power, but their rights as well.  When society does not take action against those who take the rights of others, equal protection of laws has been denied.   When government refuses to act when a violation has clearly been committed, then government itself becomes part of the problem.

Pursuant to my Overton, Hoist, and a few other essays, it is clear to me that there are remarkable equal protection violations in the doggy world.  Pet owners are held to a wildly different standard than others.    It is clear to me that dog owners have been granted the power to take the rights of others at whim.  And, they do this while THEIR rights are usually fully protected.

I’ll give you a good example.  My county leash “law”:  Extremely weak and unenforced.   It used to be that all owners of off leash dogs were supposed to get a citation.  Now, they have to get CAUGHT THREE TIMES before a citation is written… and that is only in theory.  AC never writes citations.  So, my neighbors have the POWER to turn their dog loose on my land and I have no legal recourse.  My right of property has been taken. 

Now, juxtapose the above with the fact that, if I were to shoot or poison those dogs I would be arrested.  I used to think I could simply shoot any canine trespasser.  I cannot.  I cannot use force against the trespassing dog unless it is actually attacking me.  

So to summarize the situation:

-          My right to property is gone.  Surrendered to dogs and their owners who want to use my lawn as a toilet and my trash cans as a food bowl.   The government flat out refuses to do anything about that.

-          The rights of the dogs and their owners is fully protected, as I am fully restrained by the government from any “self help” options. 

Therefore, THEY get protection from the government and I do not!  In fact, I am now overrun with loose pit bulls and I can’t do a damn thing about it until one of them sinks his choppers into my face.  What kind of life is it when I have to pack a rod when moving the lawn?  I can’t even leave a window open due to all the barking dog noise and loose dogs.  My land is unusable!  I don’t even bother calling AC anymore, I may as well complain to a freaking brick.

Ironically, one of the “excuses” in my last article referred to the fact that many irresponsible and malicious dog owners take a strong anti-government stance.  Us damn Nazis can’t tell THEM what to do!  We gotta stay outta their bidness!  See, they are rugged individualist types that don’t depend on anybody for anything!  We better not spend any more of THEIR hard earned tax money!

These low IQ morons are about to have it driven through their thick Neanderthal skulls that THEY are the Nazis enjoying the big government largesse. 

Lets examine what their stupid pet owning lives would be like without government taking care of them.  This is going to be FUN.   The following is strictly an allegory.

Your pit bull “Killer” pulls out of its chain, jumps over the fence and attacks your neighbor in their own yard while they are gardening.  You cackle and say “good boy, killa!”. The neighbor struggles with the dog latched onto his thigh, beating it with a shovel while it continues to tear into his leg.  You clap and cheer the dog on while the attack proceeds.  Finally, Killer lets go and runs home.  The neighbor staggers back into his house and you see an ambulance show up about 20 minutes later and they take him away.    You get a call from the cops that they are considering citing you for dog off leash.  You ignore that like you ignore every other complaint about the dogs.  Nobody ever did anything about the dogs before, so why should they start now? 

 The neighbor turns up on your doorstep 3 days later and demands compensation.  He spent 2 days in the hospital and there are tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills in addition to the fact that he is having trouble walking on his damaged leg.  He further states that your barking dogs are interrupting his sleep and killed his cat last month.  He threatens a lawsuit.   You point your finger into his face and yell: “You stay outta my bidness, you damn Commie!  You can’t tell me what to do!  You get outta here before I call the cops!”.  Who do these people think they are, anyway?

Damn Commies want gubbmint to solve all their problems for them!

You head out back to feed Killer, in his pen with his “bitch” Slayer and their pups, Slasher, Destroyer, Lawbreaker, and Baby-Eater.  There is no grass back there, and the “soil” is dog feces a foot deep.  You chuckle thinking about the time you adopted 4 kittens from the pound that one time and fed them to the dogs!  Too bad they are now background checking everyone at the pound and that B&E a few years ago disqualifies you from adopting from the county.  No biggie:  There are always those puppy and kitten sellers in the Wal-Mart parking lot to consider!

All the dogs are barking furiously as they have done day in and day out ever since you started up your “mill” and selling the pups on craigslist for $800.00 a pop.  You logon to Craigslist and see you have buyers for both Baby-Eater and Destroyer. Beer money!  There are about 20 messages on your voicemail from lawyers and other neighbors about the dogs barking and the stench from the dog crap but you just delete all of those.  Again, who do these freaking Commies think they are?  They can’t interfere with a man’s PLEASURE, can they?  What are they worried about, you have them all on cow chains with padlocks, right?  Killer “somehow” got out, so nothing is your fault, right?

After 15 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, you flop into bed, too drunk to care about the continued frenzied barking and phone calls from neighbors.  Screw ALL them damn Commies!

About an hour later, you are awakened by an ear splitting BANG!  Your beer buzz can cover the dogs barking but not that.  You scramble to the window and take a look outside.  The dogs are going completely crazy, more so than usual.  One of the pups is being torn to pieces by the other dogs.  Is it a dog fight?  They DO come from the best stock… they’ll attack anything that moves.  You then hear another ear-splitting blast as Killer is slammed to the back of the pen, blood spraying everywhere.   It takes a few seconds for that to sink into your beer-addled brain before you get the fact that SOMEONE IS SHOOTING YOUR DOGS!  When the first dog went down, the others probably just tore into it.  You look to your left and you see your neighbor setup on their bedroom balcony with some sort of scoped hunting rifle, probably a Remington 700.  You see a huge muzzle flash from the gun, hear another ear-splitting BANG and Slayers head explodes in a cloud of blood, bone and brains as the high velocity bullet literally blows her head apart.  The neighbor racks the bolt on the gun and draws a bead on another pup. 

First, you think you are going to KEEL that guy, but he is ARMED.  He is a DAMN good shot, too!  No, you are going to call the cops!  The guy is destroying a man’s PROPERTY!  Damn commies have no respect for property rights!

You dial the Sheriffs number.  Here is a transcript of the call:

-          Operator:  Hello, 911 operator.  What is your emergency?

-          You: “Some damn Commie be shootin my DAWGS!  Send the po’lice!”

-          Operator:  Look, I asked what is your EMERGENCY? 

-          You:  “Some damn Commie be shootin MY DAWGS, that be my ‘mergency!”

-          Operator:  Sir, that is not an emergency.  We have been given explicit instructions not to respond to any force used against dogs in the jurisdiction.  It is technically legal.

-          You:  “Those damn Commies are DEESTOYIN my property!  They is criminals!”

-          In the background:  BANG!

-          Operator:  Sir, there are gun owners in your jurisdiction. I suggest that you learn to live with them.

-          You:  “But… but… they is KEELIN man’s best friend!  You gotta put a STOPS to them!”

-          Operator:  Sir, people kill nuisance animals all the time.  In fact, I gave my cat a flea bath last week, killing all the fleas.  Destroying vermin is legal. 

-          You:  “But… Mah dawgs ain’t VERMIN!”

-          Operator:  They are now, sir.  If you bothered to read any of your mail, or bothered to register your “dawgs”, you might know that any dog that causes discomfort to any human being has been declared vermin and destroy on sight. 

-          You:  “You… you… damn Commie Beeyatch!”

-          Operator:  You might want to watch your tongue, sir.  Hurling insults at 911 operators is a crime.  Further, I might add that it is indeed YOU that is the “Commie”.  Why do you need government to solve all of your problems for you? 

-          You:  “arrgh… ugh… F-U BEEYATCH!”

-          In the background:  BANG! 

-          Operator:   (chuckles).  Sir, I believe you are just a hater.  I submit that you are way too sensitive. I am sure the gentlemen shooting your dogs was just provoked.  It is not his fault.  I’m sure he is truly well meaning.  He was just doing his job.  You see, you just don’t understand human behavior.  If this is truly a problem for you, you should just move away.  Things being what they are, you have to get used to this kind of thing happening.  You need to understand that he is a gun owner and shooting is what they do.  You need to stay out of this man’s business. Our position is, you are anti-social and need to get a life.  This is your fault, as you did not help the guy out enough.   Who would take issue with shooting a few nuisance dogs, anyway?  I suggest you seek psychiatric help at your earliest convenience.  We can’t expend any taxpayer money on incidents such as these.  Sorry!

-          You:  “Ahm going to KILL that MO-FO!  Ahm going to SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD!”

-          Operator:  OK, you have just threatened the life of another and I have it on tape.  I suggest you stay right where you are until police arrive.  Do not leave your residence or confront him in any way.

-          You:  “Hee is DEAD!”.

-          In the background:  BANG!

-          Operator:  Don’t make it worse for yourself sir, making threats is a crime. 

Enraged, you throw the phone at the wall.  You grab your grand-daddy’s .22, rack a round and head over to the Commie’s house. 

TO BE CONTINUED.